


Bonely Hearts Call-In

by c0cunt



Series: For the Bonely Hearts [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Podcast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-25
Updated: 2015-11-25
Packaged: 2018-05-03 09:02:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5284787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/c0cunt/pseuds/c0cunt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The most important thing in Jean's life, currently, is his podcast with Eren and Connie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bonely Hearts Call-In

   Jean was definitely a man of many talents.  He could play three different instruments.  He was partially responsible for a very successful brand of body spray becoming so popular.  If he’d really put effort into schoolwork, there’s no doubt he would’ve been more than a C+ average student.  But none of that were things he really cared about.  No, the most important thing in Jean’s life, at this moment, was his podcast.

 

   It was Connie’s idea, initially.  Jean and Eren had just tagged along to begin with, but as the show gained more popularity, both of them put more effort into it.  The show itself was mostly full of jokes he hoped his mother never heard him repeating, but it was something fun that the trio did every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.  Even if most Saturday shows were centered around at least one of them complaining of a hangover, it was still really worth it.  The strangest thing was when their podcast was suddenly being sponsored by legit companies.  And here they were just talking shit about everything, and somehow linking it to boners.

 

   No, you read that right, boners.  Literally called “Boner-Cast”.  Every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, the three of them would sit down for about an hour, and make dick jokes.  Well, it wasn’t entirely just dick jokes.  There had been several occasion (“Boner-Cast Specials”) where the three of them would put aside their love of dick jokes, and would really show just how intelligent they were.  Connie would seriously answer questions about things that had happened during his time as a nurse, Eren could give surprisingly insightful talks about space stuff (he begged for the other two to let him have a Boner-Cast Special when anything important or new was posted on the NASA website, but to him everything they posted was important), and Jean...Well, Jean’s specialty was talking about sex, as it were.

 

   Not in the sleazy way, though Jean could definitely be sleazy when he felt like it.  In the abstract, sex was fascinating enough that he was well on his way to being one of the most well-known (if not well respected) sexologists in the country.  Which would be really cool, if his mother didn’t continuously tell him how terrible it was that he didn’t have a respectable career that she could brag about to all her friends in the book club she was so invested in.  She never had anything she could really brag about to her friends, because there was no way in hell that she would talk about sexology or the podcast he had joined ironically (initially at least).

 

* * *

 

   Today was not one of their Boner-Cast Specials; it was a normal Saturday podcast, and Jean was the one nursing a hangover after spending most of last night partying.  Earlier in the show, Jean had spent a good ten minutes talking about the cute guy he had met while out last night, but had stopped when Eren had set off their “boner cannon” once while he was talking.  As much as Jean enjoyed making dick jokes for the show, he hated being the butt of their jokes, so he had promptly shut his mouth after the cannon had stopped, and instead started in on their segment where they answered calls.  Of course, all the calls were just from their friends with silly voices, but most (if not all) of the questions or comments were voted on their website.  After several calls that Eren and Connie started, Jean finally felt it was his turn to answer first.

 

   “Welcome to the B-b-b-Boner Cast, you’re on with boner Jean, what’s your boner question or comment?” He asked as professionally as possible when making his voice as gravelly and booming as possible when saying ‘boner’.  Eren and Connie were still laughing from the last call they had answered (Sasha’s voice acting career was definitely going well), and Jean had to wave at them to calm down so they could hear the ‘person’ on the phone.  It was probably going to be Ymir this time, as Armin had texted Eren earlier saying he wouldn’t be able to make calls for them today.

 

   “Uhm…” The ‘person’ on the line sounded very confused, and the trio shared a look of confusion.  The voice was too deep for it to be any of their friends calling in.  Maybe someone had misdialed while attempting to call someone else?  Jean was about to say something just as the other person continued.

   “Is this Jean?  From that club, Pulse, last night?”  Jean shot straight up in his chair, eyes wide as he stared at the speaker.  Shit, he’d know that voice anywhere, even if he did only hear it purring into his ear last night for a few hours.

 

   “M-marco, hey, sorry about that!”  Jean squeaked, immediately throwing a hand over Eren’s mouth to prevent him from saying anything.  Connie was out of reach, on the far side of the table, but both of them were looking at Jean with shit-eating grins that definitely looked like they were about to break their faces.  Jean was never going to hear the end of this, once the podcast ended.  There was what sounded like a sigh over the phone, before Marco cheerfully continued.

 

   “Ah, hey!  I just wanted to say I had a great time last night-” Connie choked back a laugh, and Marco hesitated for a second.  Jean immediately started swiping at Connie from the far side of the table, gesturing for him to shut the fuck up.

   “I did too!  Sorry, my friends are very fucking loud and annoying” Jean said, throwing a dangerous look at Connie as he struggled to contain his laughter.

 

   “S-sorry, am I calling at a bad time?”  Marco definitely sounded put out by now.  Jean was at least ten shades of red as he yelped “No!  No, it’s definitely not a bad time, I just have fucking terrible friends!”  At this point, Jean forgot that his hand over Eren’s mouth was the only thing preventing him from talking, as he clasped his hands together in a pleading gesture in the direction of the speaker.  Unfortunately, Eren was nothing if not an opportunist, and when he saw an opening he jumped headfirst.

 

   “Oh my god Jean, you fucking gave him the podcast’s number!”  He howled, banging his fists on the table as he cackled.  This only set Connie off even more, and left Jean desperately yelling “shut up, I was really fucking drunk last night!”  Nothing good was accomplished by Jean’s shouting, but it did make Eren tip over his chair backwards, which only made Connie laugh harder.  There was a staticky noise from the speaker that Jean couldn’t really identify, but it made him refocus a little bit.

 

   “I’m so sorry Marco.”  Jean whispered into his mic, absolutely mortified.  His cell phone’s number was only two numbers off from the number that the podcast used, and he had confused it on more than one occasion in the past.  “I’m always screwing up these goddamn numbers, so you’re kinda...On my friend’s podcast.  Live.”  The last word came out as little more than a whine, which was mostly hidden by what could have been a pig squealing, but was probably Connie trying to breathe around a laugh.

 

   “Wait,” Marco started, and Jean held his breath while waiting for him to continue.  “So you’re saying you gave me not only the wrong number last night, but the number for your friend’s podcast.”  He said it slowly, which gave Connie more time to breathe properly and attempt to calm down.  Eren had still not pulled himself up from the floor as he continued to laugh feebly, and Jean groaned.

   “Yeah, I fucked up, but I still really like you.”  He mumbled, covering his face with his hands.  How fucking stupid was he?  Couldn’t even give out the right number to a really cute guy.  Terrible.

 

   As Jean continued to wallow in self pity, Eren finally pulled himself up off the floor, sniffing out another opportunity.  “Yeah, you should’ve heard him earlier on here, talkin’ about all your damn freckles.  He’s got it bad for you,” Eren said, dodging Jean’s flailing arms to continue embarrassing him.  Jean gave up when Connie started to add onto Eren’s comments, letting out a sound like a deflating balloon as he smacked his head on the table.  He perked up slightly when he heard laughter from the speaker.

 

   “Well…” Marco’s voice definitely sounded more sly now, and Jean perked up even more, ignoring Eren’s and Connie’s giggles.  “Since it’d be a shame to just hang up after hearing such enlightening conversation...How would you like to go out with me?”  Jean squealed slightly at the question as he nodded, which only set Eren and Connie off again, and caused Jean to hide back behind his hands once more.

 

   “I think that was a yes, but it sounded a bit like a kitten!”  Eren laughed, leaning over to shake Jean out of his hands.

   “Fuck you Eren,” Jean mumbled, before raising his voice to be heard by the mic.  “Y-yeah, I mean, definitely!”  He said, voice cracking slightly.  Oh god, he was never going to live this day down.

 

   “Great!”  Marco sounded definitely way too happy, at least in Jean’s opinion.  Was he enjoying how embarrassed Jean was?  Rude.

   “You have caller ID for this phone?  Don’t really feel like discussing our plans live on...What was it called?”  Jean was about to say that yes, he’d be able to get Marco’s number off the ID, but before he could start, Connie and Eren both shouted over him in impressively deep voices;

 

**“B-B-B-BONER CAST!”**

 

   Marco was laughing again, even as Jean turned even redder.  At least later he’d get a chance to explain all of this...Just before Marco hung up, after confirming that Jean would be able to get his number off the ID, of course Eren had to set off the boner cannon again.  Jean couldn’t turn any redder, Eren and Connie cackling even more.  He needed to get better fucking friends.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I was watching a video by Markiplier when I decided to start writing this. I'm terribly sorry.


End file.
